Am I Joke To You

-This is going the very meaningful life lesson for me-

Unlike most people do, finding a partner is never been an easy task for me, I have never had an impressive record on this thing. My academic record was impressive, I'm pretty good at sports especially if it is related to basketball, memorising the ayah has never been my problem too. But this one and the only thing I'm not good at, yeah at least for the past 29 years. 

For the first time in my life, I finally get the courage to meet a male acquaintance through my aunty. I just want to make something beautiful, real, and honest. This has always been about trying to be honest for me and the most beautiful thing is the most honest. Our first met went pretty well (I guess) despite our awkwardness on each other's gaze and gestures. He picked me home with his little blue city car. He wasn't impressive and not that tall (I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude at all, but it just about him, I said this objectively).

No more words from him after our first meet. He never texts me a single word, I am confused either he offended toward my treat or he was just simply not into me. After a couple of days of waiting in confusion, I decided to text him first, asking whether he was okay and I told him everything as honestly as I could. I even told him that it was really hard for me to text him first as a woman and that usually, a man had to make the first move. He then calls me, saying sorry that he was too busy to even greet me or asking how my day went like.

On Saturday noon he came to my house, I was really shocked as I have never invited a man to come to my house (my sister's house actually), I don't know what to do, what to talk about if he's with me. But everything just passed by and all of my worries erased as he looks comfortable around my family. I sighed feeling relief as he bid goodbye. 

Day after day, again, I was waiting for his text, but it never really came. The world is frustrating and I'm struggling to remain a whole and good person in it. This is true. I'm a single female and like all singles do, I constantly question I am doing the right thing. This is true. I'm not always sure what I'm doing with my life but I worry that if I don't make a good impression in people's eyes.

As my confusion explode, I urged myself to text him (again 😓) as if I was the only one who forgot to ask whether he reached home safely after our second meet. He didn't reply to me as soon as the text reached him. I tried to ignore my phone for almost an hour, then my phone screen on, and he texted that he will call me in a minute, I said what about after the Isha, he nodded. an hour passed, a day passed but he never calls me. I was so upset, why do he promised me and make me waiting, my eyes a little teary, I hold my tears and when I entered my room my tears exploding. I was never this upset, he definitely makes me feel bad and unworthy. I said to myself that SUCH MAN WAS NOT WORTH IT! I NEED TO MOVE ON, but I just can't stop crying, I was really upset, am I joke to him? He plays with my feelings, I couldn't deal with it. 

On Sunday night exactly at 10 PM, it was the worst night for me, he called me. I swear i won't pick up his call at first but i wanna get an explanation before hand. So he started talking about where this relationship would go, he seemed worry to talk but i convinced him to talk as honest as he could. 

There he go:

Him : How about us?

Me : uhh about what? (i pretend that i don't get his point)

Him : You know we were introduced for that purpose (a.k.a possibility for getting married)

Me : I know right, then what do you think?

Him : I think I still need time to reflect about pursuing this relationship to the next stage, I want to make everything clear, for me and for you as well. I still unsure about you, so can we keep our distance for the time being although we don't know what will come to us in the future, meanwhile we still can be friend, I don't want to mess everything up. I don't want our family disappointed, so can we make it cool? can't you?

Me : If you say so, I don't have a choice, but first thank you for make it clear so i wont get any confuse ever again, as you said, we both introduced for that purpose but if we have nothing in common and got no reason for each other to be together then we should keep our distance as it was. I am sorry for making you uncomfortable for always texting you first like i was really expecting too much. These day when you phoned me just because you felt bad, i'm very sorry for being immature, I just didn't know and dying in confusion whether i made mistakes or something else.

Him: I'm sorry, i was a bad guy,

Me: Last night when you texted me and ask if you could talk to me, why do you promised? why do you even ask me to call when you just don't do it at the end.

Him: so were you waiting for me to call?

Me : of course, i waited all night long and you made me desperate.

Him: I'm sorry i was in my way home so i can't call you

Me : you can texted me and explain why do you break your promise but you just didn't, I was very upset

Him : I am very sorry I was just a bad guy (he kept saying this million times)

He kept saying that I was kind but idk it made me feel bad instead. I was holding my tears, there's so much on my head I was angry, upset and ashamed at the same time. My heart is aching. I was trying to open my heart and give my all, and keep the positive side of him but then he just threw me from the top of the world. I don't want to make it long, i couldn't hold it any longer so i told him to end this conversation and suggest him to rest and bid him my last goodbye. I cried a river, and that is why i always scare to open up myself, i am too scared of broken heart. My heart can't take it and i will be in pain for a long time.

I thought you were home...................but i end up in a shelter, that i no longer could stay and have to go back, but with a lot of pain.

Then I realised, I should never ever expecting towards people in the first place, May be it makes Allah got jealous because you put others first rather than him. 

Dear a name which i would never spoke again, Thank you for reaching out to me first and made the day feel a little less lonely, I appreciate each and every little thing you did for me.

THANK YOU ALLAH FOR TESTING MY PATIENCE. MAY YOU BLESS ME A LOTS OF SABR. I SEEK YOUR FORGIVENESS.